listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
