dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize