afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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