Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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