she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
