Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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