I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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