Your dad touched me again.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
