from now on my penis is your penis
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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