I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
