so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize