when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
