Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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