You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
