i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
