oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
