dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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