What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
