when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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