Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize