I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
