Swine flu is the new snow day.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
