my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
