If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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