i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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