If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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