drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
