i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
