How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm at about main and main street
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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