I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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