cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
