I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
