I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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