True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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