You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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