Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
