Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
