Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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