i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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