so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I woke up under a house in Key West
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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