Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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