dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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