Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize