I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
