Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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