I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You are the jesus of drinking
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
