You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
