I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
