I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
