Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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