Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
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