god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
