Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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