I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
