The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
