My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
