i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
