I just threw up on my dentist
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
