I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
