The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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