Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
