remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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