so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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