Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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