I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize