im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We need to get me chipped asap
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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