god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
