So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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